we had our what the f@ck appointment Friday. First of all I want to say how much I love my doctor and the whole office, I have had nothing but good experience with them and have never felt like a number. So...going over our records he couldn't find anything that went "wrong", it just didn't work. Which I'm ok with, hell I'm happy with. Honestly I would rather have it not work just because percentage wise it didn't rather than have something more horribly wrong with me. He confirmed that we had an absolute perfect cycle, with out it working. We have three perfect frozen embies waiting for us, Dr L stressed that taking time to heal from this is key and was happy to hear we wanted to wait until next year. So that is that, we are puting this "hell" to bed for about six months and are going to enjoy life. We will re-focus on this baby making stuff in six months or so.
HAHAA like I could just close the door like that. Honestly it's going to take time to turn off that TTC switch, hell my period starts in one week and I'm already concentrating on phantom symptoms. Uhm it would take more than what we have done to get pregnant this month. WOW HOW DO I TURN THIS BUTTON OFF? Anyone? Anyone??
I wish I could say I will be consistant (because I have been soo consistant) with my posting over the next six months but I can't guarantee it. I will try my hardest but I can't promise you anything...unless you don't mind me discussing mindless non baby making things.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Not giving up
It's amazing what a kick ass workout, a good conversation with my fabulous husband, and a great nights sleep will do for a couple of broken hearts.
I'm not ready to give up, my heart just isn't ready. Going into our IVF we said that if it came up negative we would call this the end of our journey and move on with our life. Once we made that decision I felt so much relief knowing there was an end in site. What we didn't plan on was the fact we would have three beautiful (1 "good" 2 "excellent" quality) embies make it to freeze. We have been grieving as though we are done but honestly knowing we have three frozen is constantly in the back of our minds. Matt has been such a rock and is so helpful in talking me through all of this, expressing his thoughts concerns and giving me time to express mine. Last night while I was in the darkest of dark places we had a great conversation and got all this on the table. I wanted to dive right back in and do an FET while I'm still numb he wants us to wait so we can both get over this hurdle before leaping the next one. We went to bed happy and content that we laid it out there, I woke up this morning seeing his point of view on waiting. SO...I'm thinking this fall/winter we'll try for our FET. This will give us the summer to buy a house, have fun, relax, get in shape, and enjoy some cold beers.
I made our follow up appointment this morning so we can sit down with our doctor and see what he has to say and what he suggests. I know just because I feel great this morning the dark times/days won't come back but I'm going to take advantage of this good feeling and get some stuff done.
I'm not ready to give up, my heart just isn't ready. Going into our IVF we said that if it came up negative we would call this the end of our journey and move on with our life. Once we made that decision I felt so much relief knowing there was an end in site. What we didn't plan on was the fact we would have three beautiful (1 "good" 2 "excellent" quality) embies make it to freeze. We have been grieving as though we are done but honestly knowing we have three frozen is constantly in the back of our minds. Matt has been such a rock and is so helpful in talking me through all of this, expressing his thoughts concerns and giving me time to express mine. Last night while I was in the darkest of dark places we had a great conversation and got all this on the table. I wanted to dive right back in and do an FET while I'm still numb he wants us to wait so we can both get over this hurdle before leaping the next one. We went to bed happy and content that we laid it out there, I woke up this morning seeing his point of view on waiting. SO...I'm thinking this fall/winter we'll try for our FET. This will give us the summer to buy a house, have fun, relax, get in shape, and enjoy some cold beers.
I made our follow up appointment this morning so we can sit down with our doctor and see what he has to say and what he suggests. I know just because I feel great this morning the dark times/days won't come back but I'm going to take advantage of this good feeling and get some stuff done.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
How...
How do I move on??!! That is the biggest battle going on in my head right now. I have been fighting the infertility battle for close to three years now and I need help turning this switch off. But the thing is...I don't want to. I'm not ready to give up this fight, my heart isn't ready to give in. Remember when I said so many months ago that I felt relief knowing there was a light at the end of the tunnel well now we are there and the light is darker than I wanted.
I have never been in this dark of a place and I try so hard each day to claw my way out. I have lost my faith in god, I'm bitter towards friends and people I don't even know, I am so angry I want to go on the back porch and just scream the loudest scream I have, I want to climb under the covers and never come out. This is not me and I don't know that I will ever get all the way back to me again.
My husband is a rock and the best man in the world, I am thankful every day for him. This last week has only proven what a wonderful "big hearted" man my husband is. He wants more than anything to play the man and just fix this but he knows he can't, I think that hurts him most. What I can't find a way to express to him is how grateful I am for his little hugs, glances in my direction, and simple "how are you"'s that get me through each and every day. I hate that I/we have to go through this crap but I wouldn't want to walk this path with anyone else.
I have never been in this dark of a place and I try so hard each day to claw my way out. I have lost my faith in god, I'm bitter towards friends and people I don't even know, I am so angry I want to go on the back porch and just scream the loudest scream I have, I want to climb under the covers and never come out. This is not me and I don't know that I will ever get all the way back to me again.
My husband is a rock and the best man in the world, I am thankful every day for him. This last week has only proven what a wonderful "big hearted" man my husband is. He wants more than anything to play the man and just fix this but he knows he can't, I think that hurts him most. What I can't find a way to express to him is how grateful I am for his little hugs, glances in my direction, and simple "how are you"'s that get me through each and every day. I hate that I/we have to go through this crap but I wouldn't want to walk this path with anyone else.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
A week in a blur
This week has been a blur, for a process that has seemed to just drag this last week was nothing like it. Monday I had my egg retrieval, it went smoothly and the staff at my RE's office is wonderful. They were able to retrieve 12 and everyone was happy with that number. Remember I only have one ovary. The remainder of the day I slept...and slept....and slept. I had the normal amount of bloat and pain but thankfully never crossed into OHSS territory. By this morning I felt like me again.
Today was a surreal day, it was transfer day. I arrived with my full bladder and ready to go. They gave us the details on our embies and they are ROCK STARS!! All scoring at the top of the level, we were so pleased as was the whole office. After much discussion about trasferring two or three back we decided on doing the two top rock stars. So "Louie & Stella" are snuggling in tight. I will wait for a long two weeks and on June 30th we'll have our blood test.
Today was a surreal day, it was transfer day. I arrived with my full bladder and ready to go. They gave us the details on our embies and they are ROCK STARS!! All scoring at the top of the level, we were so pleased as was the whole office. After much discussion about trasferring two or three back we decided on doing the two top rock stars. So "Louie & Stella" are snuggling in tight. I will wait for a long two weeks and on June 30th we'll have our blood test.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Triggered
I'm triggered and we are doing our retrieval tomorrow! I'm full of so many emotions right now; excitement, optimism, fear, and doubt. It's crazy how all those can get wrapped up into one head at one time. The good thing however is I'm not feeling stressed, I have done my best to remain stress free through this whole thing. My husband, family, and close friends are such a great support system they always know what to say and when to say it.
I never considered myself a strong person, not necessarily a weak person but just a go with the flow happy kind of person. I have a few friends that are super outgoing and go get what they want without second thought, I have always been jealous of them and their "strong" character. Well I sort of had a selfish epiphany this week, I am so much stronger and braver than those friends just in a different way. Yes that's horrible to say and completely selfish but this is my time to be selfish. I am going to look at my baby(s) and always remember the time mommy was brave. I'm forever a changed person and as much as I hate this infertility journey I am thankful for the strength it has given me, my husband and our relationship.
I never considered myself a strong person, not necessarily a weak person but just a go with the flow happy kind of person. I have a few friends that are super outgoing and go get what they want without second thought, I have always been jealous of them and their "strong" character. Well I sort of had a selfish epiphany this week, I am so much stronger and braver than those friends just in a different way. Yes that's horrible to say and completely selfish but this is my time to be selfish. I am going to look at my baby(s) and always remember the time mommy was brave. I'm forever a changed person and as much as I hate this infertility journey I am thankful for the strength it has given me, my husband and our relationship.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Your boobs are getting bigger...
was my husbands darling comment Sunday. I just laughed him off and figured it was the couple of beers he had talking rather than factual. Well yesterday I was reading the side effects of Menopur and what do you know "enlarged breasts" was one of them. I should fill you in, I am super self consious of my 38D chest and have always told Matt that as soon as we have a child I'm getting a breast reduction. So he knew this comment would send me into a tail spin of constantly worrying that they are growing before I'm even pregnant.
Oh and another side effect I'm noticing is my irrational mind is kicking into over drive. I have the most insane thoughts and I keep telling myself to step back and look at the big picture. I think trying to remain stress free is stressing me out more. Are we done yet?
Oh and another side effect I'm noticing is my irrational mind is kicking into over drive. I have the most insane thoughts and I keep telling myself to step back and look at the big picture. I think trying to remain stress free is stressing me out more. Are we done yet?
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