So there you have it.....

Matt is holding firm on not going the adoption route, I admit this breaks my heart but we are a team and we have to do what we BOTH feel comfortable with. This leaves us with treatment, which we all know I'm afraid of but not against so I have had a little talk with my body and told it that it has one last month to do this right or we go to an RE. LOL, if only it were that easy. I'm excited to sit down with an RE and see what kind of route they suggest. We are taking it day by day and one step at a time.

Life goes on.....

I'm certainly in a better frame of mind today than I was just a few short days ago, it's ugly what hormones can do to you. Monday night Matt and I had a real good discussion, we had some how gotten off the same trail but found our way back. He thought our break was going to be longer, I thought we were done and ready to go. Needless to say we compromised with about three more months of "break time". We have continued our discussion all week, please tell me if this is normal but do you ever have those moments where you think to yourself "I can live life without a child"? We keep asking each other that and hesitantly thinking "yes, maybe". That part scares us, which also tells me deep down inside neither of us could.

Tuesday I hit the bookstore, we are on a three month break so it's time for us to do some more reading and research. I looked at three sections; infertility treatments, adoption, and childfree life. I bought two...bet you can't guess which two...infertility treatment and adoption. I read the fertility treatment book in about a day and started the adoption book this morning. My mind has been so confused and in a million places about all this but I think I may have found my answer, those of you who have been down this road please tell me. Is this that "ahhhaa" moment? The fertility treatment book gave me clarity on the treatments but scared the crap out of me, I found myself going "I can't do that" and "OMG what?!!". The adoption book is giving me clarity and I find myself going "that's it, that's what I want" while the journey is still as treacherous it does not scare me.

Matt has committed to reading both books as well so I'm anxious to see how he feels after reading them.

Roller Coaster.....going down

How can one person go from being so optimistic to completely crushed and depressed within 12 days....this can't be healthy. I want that optimism back I had in my last post. I had a glimpse of hope this weekend that I may actually be pregnant, why the hell after two years it would actually happen now without any help who knows but I let myself hope. I know we all go through that monthly but this one was the closest I have ever felt, man I'm a crazy person. I'm putting hope down as a four letter bad word right in there with the other high scale bad words. When I hear stories of people doing bad I always say karma will catch up with them, well this morning on my drive in to work I began wondering is this karma getting back at me? If so what so horribly awful did I do? I'm not saying I'm an absolute angel and have never wronged anyone but I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I see some retail therapy coming during lunch today....

I did finish reading Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein last night, I need to collect my thoughts but I'll post a review of the book shortly.

2009....

THIS IS OUR YEAR.....I'm determined to go into and leave this year with a positive mind set. I told Matt that this is our year....this year holds many possibilities....a child....an adoption plan....or our hearts content with being "favorite auntie Kelli and uncle Matt" to all the great children that already bless our lives on a daily basis. No matter what I am determined to walk out of this year with a closed door on the child part of our life, I want and need to move on from this. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh...

I'm so grateful for where we are in life, we really have a fabulous life regardless of what our family consists of. As Matt reminded me the last time I was in tears over our lack of children; "We have a family with two wonderful kids, they happen to be furry and have four legs but they are great". Gus and Winston great me morning and night with happy tails and slippery slobber, I love that. We have a wonderful relationship, great friends, a fabulous family and our new found home in the Pacific Northwest, I am grateful daily for all that we have in our life.

Happy New Year.....May this year bring all your wishes and dreams into a new clarity.