Why can't it be easy...

I'm a timeline and list kind of person. I like to know when things are going to happen and how. Don't get me wrong though, I LOVE LOVE LOVE surprises. So I think that is the hardest thing about infertility is that I want to know. I wish there was a test you could take that was simple, maybe a blood test or something. But the results would say; Yes you will get pregnant and this is how OR No you will not carry your own child time to move on. I could take the test and get my answer, if it's no then my husband and I could work our way through that and know that the option for us is to adopt. I know I can hear you now... my mind thinks crazy random things. So then of course once I mentally go through this process and simply decide "okay we will adopt" my mind starts racing again. Maybe my subconsious is trying to tell me something, it's telling me that we were put together and here to adopt a child and bring a wonderful life to a child in need. I guess in a way I'm looking for closure.

October is our "d-month", decision month, when Matt and I will sit down and decide what is next. Funny thing is it all depends on some answers we are waiting for. Matt has some possible job opportunities coming up that could drastically change our "baby making" process. We should find out this week or early next week at the latest. Maybe this is why I am feeling so un-easy, I'm waiting for these answers. Then I will have my timeline. I feel like a crazy person right now.

He's here

Baby E = Gavin. My good friends baby arrived last night 11:30 after 26 long hours of labor. I can't wait to see the little guy... I think.

On that note today I have decided to write a short list of all the good reason's I'm not pregnant right now.
1. We are going on a cruise with three other couples in two weeks, the girls like to get together with some wine and talk girl talk since we only see each other about once every three or four months. I will be able to FULLY participate.
2. I sit here right now eating Mellowcreme Pumpkins for lunch, I can do this without worrying about getting enough nutrients to a growing baby.
3. A good friend of mine is getting married in Cozumel in April, not getting pregnant this month pushes back a possible due date by another month moving me out of that window of not being able to go "if" I'm pregnant.
4. I can sit with my darling husband on Saturday and enjoy some of his fabulous homebrew (beer) while watching college football.

... I promise I am not an alcoholic. Felling a little guilty for two of my reasons being alcohol related.

Forgive me...

I am incredibly slow at this, look at that it's been a month since I have written. Here I find myself posting when I'm low and feeling down. I need to start coming here and posting when I feel good, I promise I have good days I'm a fun person and I want people around here to see that side of me as well. So here is my pledge to get better at this blogging stuff and post when things are good, not just when they are bad.

Things have been tough this week, one of my dearest friends went into labor last night. Starting last Thursday it hit me that her due date was here and the baby was bound to arrive at any point. It hit me hard and I cried hard, I am soooooo overly excited for my friend but it reminds me of what I don't have and what I long to have. It hit even harder the night before last as my period started, yet again. The 24th period in our two year battle.

I know someday somehow we will have our child and we will offer that child more love and support than any child ever. Lol I know we all say that and you know what it's the truth. There are some ABSOLUTELY LOVED CHILDREN out there and some flickers in our eyes just waiting for their turn. My mom, who is a great suport system, actually told me that now she has an excuse to spoil her grandchild rotten. I can't blame her, any grandma that has to wait this long for their only grandchild has every right to spoil them rotten.

Just so you know, I'm ending this post with a smile on my face and some hope in my heart.