Thursday, October 2, 2008

The big TALK

Well we had it tonight, we planned on waiting a couple weeks but I broke down and it needed to happen. We decided a few months ago that October would be our D-month (discussion). We have hit the two year trying mark. Matt is perfectly happy just "treading water" and I love that quality in him, it helps keep me sane. Unfortunately after two years of "treading" I'm done and need to move on to our next step. We talked long, hard, and got all of our feelings out there on the table.

I am at a roadblock right now, I don't want to do drugs/treatment I don't like taking asprin let alone hormonal changing medications. But I feel that if I don't then I'm giving up and I'm not good at quiting. Matt and I discussed our feelings, he's along for the ride and I'm saying that in the best way, Matt is by my side no matter what. So long story short we are making an appointment with an RE, I want to walk in knowing what we know (my one ovary/tube matched with Matt's sub part SA results) about us and tell them to give it to us straight. What will it take, what are our possible steps knowing there are no guarantees. We will go home with that sit down and decide how much of that we want to do and write out a time line. I know you can't "time line" a baby but I'm a time line person, I need a drop dead date to know where we stop. This is where Matt's feelings are strong, if we get to this point and still no child we will step back completely. Take 3, 6, 12 months however long it takes but we will take time, I will seek counseling to help grieve not having a biological child, we will make sure both of us are in a good healthy state of mind and at that point start pursuing adoption.

It's amazing how this little BIG talk we had truly helps my state of mind and my heart. I'm not giving up on a bilogical child yet but I know in my heart somehow someway we will have our family.

4 comments:

Rebekah said...

I swear you took this post out of my journal. I had to use the same reasonings to make sense of the whole mess. Keep doing what your doing, things will eventually fall into place, and the answer becomes clearer. I admire your thoughtfulness as you hammer it all out. I'm totally with you...

NeNe said...

Hi- I got sent over here from Rebekah's blog and can't help but empathize with your situation! We're kind of in the same place and finally just decided to schedule the appt- but after much compromising on both our parts! I'm also a time-line person and would plan/control everything if I were able to! Good luck with your decision- I look forward to continued reading :)

Lauren said...

Hi--I found your blog through Rebekah's as well. It's strange to read your words, seeing as how they're so very similar to mine. My husband (Matt) and I got married in October of 2005, tossed the BC in November of 06, started "trying" in January 07. We're just short of 2 years of trying and no baby yet. However, we have gone to see an RE. Actually, we've been going to the RE since January of this year. We've done a handful of procedures, although no drugs or IVF. We're not at as big of a crossroads as you, but very soon (in the next couple of months) we will be at a place where we have to decide if we want to go forward with more treatment or not. Adoption ideas float around in my head from time to time, although I'm no where near ready to seriously discuss it. But I also feel that I may not be able to go forward with much more fertility treatment. (Like you, I shudder at the thought of taking hormone-changing drugs.) I know adoption is a beautiful thing and something I'm definitely open to, but God would have to make that clear to both Matt and I before we took that step.

Anyway, sorry to write a book, I just feel a kinship with you, seeing as how you and your husband are on a similar journey as we are. I look forward to continuing to read your story.

Karen said...

You're very smart to take some time to grieve before pursuing adoption. We didn't do this purposefully but out of necessity because of scheduling issues and I'm so glad we didn't do our home study right in the middle of our grieving process! Good luck to you, whichever way you head.