we had our what the f@ck appointment Friday. First of all I want to say how much I love my doctor and the whole office, I have had nothing but good experience with them and have never felt like a number. So...going over our records he couldn't find anything that went "wrong", it just didn't work. Which I'm ok with, hell I'm happy with. Honestly I would rather have it not work just because percentage wise it didn't rather than have something more horribly wrong with me. He confirmed that we had an absolute perfect cycle, with out it working. We have three perfect frozen embies waiting for us, Dr L stressed that taking time to heal from this is key and was happy to hear we wanted to wait until next year. So that is that, we are puting this "hell" to bed for about six months and are going to enjoy life. We will re-focus on this baby making stuff in six months or so.
HAHAA like I could just close the door like that. Honestly it's going to take time to turn off that TTC switch, hell my period starts in one week and I'm already concentrating on phantom symptoms. Uhm it would take more than what we have done to get pregnant this month. WOW HOW DO I TURN THIS BUTTON OFF? Anyone? Anyone??
I wish I could say I will be consistant (because I have been soo consistant) with my posting over the next six months but I can't guarantee it. I will try my hardest but I can't promise you anything...unless you don't mind me discussing mindless non baby making things.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Not giving up
It's amazing what a kick ass workout, a good conversation with my fabulous husband, and a great nights sleep will do for a couple of broken hearts.
I'm not ready to give up, my heart just isn't ready. Going into our IVF we said that if it came up negative we would call this the end of our journey and move on with our life. Once we made that decision I felt so much relief knowing there was an end in site. What we didn't plan on was the fact we would have three beautiful (1 "good" 2 "excellent" quality) embies make it to freeze. We have been grieving as though we are done but honestly knowing we have three frozen is constantly in the back of our minds. Matt has been such a rock and is so helpful in talking me through all of this, expressing his thoughts concerns and giving me time to express mine. Last night while I was in the darkest of dark places we had a great conversation and got all this on the table. I wanted to dive right back in and do an FET while I'm still numb he wants us to wait so we can both get over this hurdle before leaping the next one. We went to bed happy and content that we laid it out there, I woke up this morning seeing his point of view on waiting. SO...I'm thinking this fall/winter we'll try for our FET. This will give us the summer to buy a house, have fun, relax, get in shape, and enjoy some cold beers.
I made our follow up appointment this morning so we can sit down with our doctor and see what he has to say and what he suggests. I know just because I feel great this morning the dark times/days won't come back but I'm going to take advantage of this good feeling and get some stuff done.
I'm not ready to give up, my heart just isn't ready. Going into our IVF we said that if it came up negative we would call this the end of our journey and move on with our life. Once we made that decision I felt so much relief knowing there was an end in site. What we didn't plan on was the fact we would have three beautiful (1 "good" 2 "excellent" quality) embies make it to freeze. We have been grieving as though we are done but honestly knowing we have three frozen is constantly in the back of our minds. Matt has been such a rock and is so helpful in talking me through all of this, expressing his thoughts concerns and giving me time to express mine. Last night while I was in the darkest of dark places we had a great conversation and got all this on the table. I wanted to dive right back in and do an FET while I'm still numb he wants us to wait so we can both get over this hurdle before leaping the next one. We went to bed happy and content that we laid it out there, I woke up this morning seeing his point of view on waiting. SO...I'm thinking this fall/winter we'll try for our FET. This will give us the summer to buy a house, have fun, relax, get in shape, and enjoy some cold beers.
I made our follow up appointment this morning so we can sit down with our doctor and see what he has to say and what he suggests. I know just because I feel great this morning the dark times/days won't come back but I'm going to take advantage of this good feeling and get some stuff done.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
How...
How do I move on??!! That is the biggest battle going on in my head right now. I have been fighting the infertility battle for close to three years now and I need help turning this switch off. But the thing is...I don't want to. I'm not ready to give up this fight, my heart isn't ready to give in. Remember when I said so many months ago that I felt relief knowing there was a light at the end of the tunnel well now we are there and the light is darker than I wanted.
I have never been in this dark of a place and I try so hard each day to claw my way out. I have lost my faith in god, I'm bitter towards friends and people I don't even know, I am so angry I want to go on the back porch and just scream the loudest scream I have, I want to climb under the covers and never come out. This is not me and I don't know that I will ever get all the way back to me again.
My husband is a rock and the best man in the world, I am thankful every day for him. This last week has only proven what a wonderful "big hearted" man my husband is. He wants more than anything to play the man and just fix this but he knows he can't, I think that hurts him most. What I can't find a way to express to him is how grateful I am for his little hugs, glances in my direction, and simple "how are you"'s that get me through each and every day. I hate that I/we have to go through this crap but I wouldn't want to walk this path with anyone else.
I have never been in this dark of a place and I try so hard each day to claw my way out. I have lost my faith in god, I'm bitter towards friends and people I don't even know, I am so angry I want to go on the back porch and just scream the loudest scream I have, I want to climb under the covers and never come out. This is not me and I don't know that I will ever get all the way back to me again.
My husband is a rock and the best man in the world, I am thankful every day for him. This last week has only proven what a wonderful "big hearted" man my husband is. He wants more than anything to play the man and just fix this but he knows he can't, I think that hurts him most. What I can't find a way to express to him is how grateful I am for his little hugs, glances in my direction, and simple "how are you"'s that get me through each and every day. I hate that I/we have to go through this crap but I wouldn't want to walk this path with anyone else.
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