How do I move on??!! That is the biggest battle going on in my head right now. I have been fighting the infertility battle for close to three years now and I need help turning this switch off. But the thing is...I don't want to. I'm not ready to give up this fight, my heart isn't ready to give in. Remember when I said so many months ago that I felt relief knowing there was a light at the end of the tunnel well now we are there and the light is darker than I wanted.
I have never been in this dark of a place and I try so hard each day to claw my way out. I have lost my faith in god, I'm bitter towards friends and people I don't even know, I am so angry I want to go on the back porch and just scream the loudest scream I have, I want to climb under the covers and never come out. This is not me and I don't know that I will ever get all the way back to me again.
My husband is a rock and the best man in the world, I am thankful every day for him. This last week has only proven what a wonderful "big hearted" man my husband is. He wants more than anything to play the man and just fix this but he knows he can't, I think that hurts him most. What I can't find a way to express to him is how grateful I am for his little hugs, glances in my direction, and simple "how are you"'s that get me through each and every day. I hate that I/we have to go through this crap but I wouldn't want to walk this path with anyone else.
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The journey to parenthood through the eyes of an infertile couple.
Our Journey
Our wonderful life together started many years ago on New Years Eve. On October 15th 2005 we married, one of the happiest days of our lives with many happy days since. In October of 2006 I stopped taking birth control and we threw caution to the wind. October, our two year mark, came & went and still no glimmer of a "little pear". We know we will get there someday however it's meant to be. This is our day to day journey to that point.
1 comments:
yep. it's a dark place. it's terrible, awful and unfortunately, if you're going to come out into the light again, i think you do have to walk in the dark for awhile. i've been there. i've walked this road and one way or another, you will get through. you may never get all the way back to the you you were before, but you will be a you who has a more intrinsic understanding of grief (which will help you to understand other people's grief--even if theirs is a different kind of grief) and you won't take small joys for granted (at least for awhile). this is an important part of your journey and it's normal and uncomfortable and exhausting and truly, honestly sucky. go out and scream on the back porch if you need to. spend a day under the covers. be kind to yourself and your husband during this time. do what you need to do to get through this.
as a librarian, i'm always recommending books to people, and the one book that would have helped me when i was where you are would have been the first section of the book "Adopting after Infertility" by Patricia Irwin Johnston. Even if adoption is nowhere in your future plans, I found that her discussion of the pain of infertility and the path she provides for working your way through it and deciding what to do next very helpful.
sending good thoughts your way.
-carissa
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