I'm a timeline and list kind of person. I like to know when things are going to happen and how. Don't get me wrong though, I LOVE LOVE LOVE surprises. So I think that is the hardest thing about infertility is that I want to know. I wish there was a test you could take that was simple, maybe a blood test or something. But the results would say; Yes you will get pregnant and this is how OR No you will not carry your own child time to move on. I could take the test and get my answer, if it's no then my husband and I could work our way through that and know that the option for us is to adopt. I know I can hear you now... my mind thinks crazy random things. So then of course once I mentally go through this process and simply decide "okay we will adopt" my mind starts racing again. Maybe my subconsious is trying to tell me something, it's telling me that we were put together and here to adopt a child and bring a wonderful life to a child in need. I guess in a way I'm looking for closure.
October is our "d-month", decision month, when Matt and I will sit down and decide what is next. Funny thing is it all depends on some answers we are waiting for. Matt has some possible job opportunities coming up that could drastically change our "baby making" process. We should find out this week or early next week at the latest. Maybe this is why I am feeling so un-easy, I'm waiting for these answers. Then I will have my timeline. I feel like a crazy person right now.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
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1 comments:
I call it the easy-button. Do you know how many times I just wanted to push a button for the answer. Your feelings are right on and coincide with every infertility patient out there. It sucks. For months, last year (before we decided to adopt) my mind circled with emotions...Am I not trusting God enough? Did I do something wrong? Is this God's way of telling me we should adopt? Am I supposed to hold out that God will bring a miracle through? Do I even trust God anymore? Is HE doing this to me? Is it something I did? Is it just how the cards were dealt? Hello????? Is there anyone out there listening to my questions????
I went round and round for months. I questioned everything I thought I was and everything I believed to be true. Infertility challenges everything you know. So, rest assured. You're not a crazy woman :). Just keep working it out. It's a process and not everyone works through it the same way or gets the same answer.
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