Well Christmas has come and gone, for anyone in Oregon you know of the "Arctic Blast" that covered us with about 15 inches of snow. I love snow and was so glad we had a white Christmas but....I'M SICK OF IT NOW. Fortunately it's rained enough that the streets are now drive-able and we can get out. My wonderful husband gave me a Tom-Tom for Christmas to help me get around Portland since I don't know the area. He is certain that I am having an affair with my Tom-Tom, but what do you expect he helps me get around town with out making fun of my driving.
I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday!
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
Again I'm Sorry
Here again it's been way too long....
We are in Portland, settled and loving it. I can't begin to express how nice it is to be near family, I actually look forward to my mom dropping in and being able to go for weekend dinners with family. Another bonus all of our dearest and closest friends are right here or very near here. We had a great "friend" weekend last weekend with everyone staying at our house, IT WAS WONDERFUL.
I also have to say what a wonderful distraction the last few months have been in the baby area of life. I haven't even had time to think about it and it has been great. I even had a few fleeting days of being happy we don't have kids yet, going through this with kids would have proved to be trying. Don't get me wrong I would have gladly taken on that challenge had I been given that opportunity...but this evening I seemed to have gotten slapped in the face with "you don't have a child". The holiday cards started coming today, the first two I happened to open were adorable pictures of new babies within the last year. They now hang on our fridge with magnets strategically placed and I am hiding in my office doing schoolwork/blogging. My poor husband, he try's so hard to understand but just does not get why Holiday cards would send me back over the edge.
....seven days and I can put them away
We are in Portland, settled and loving it. I can't begin to express how nice it is to be near family, I actually look forward to my mom dropping in and being able to go for weekend dinners with family. Another bonus all of our dearest and closest friends are right here or very near here. We had a great "friend" weekend last weekend with everyone staying at our house, IT WAS WONDERFUL.
I also have to say what a wonderful distraction the last few months have been in the baby area of life. I haven't even had time to think about it and it has been great. I even had a few fleeting days of being happy we don't have kids yet, going through this with kids would have proved to be trying. Don't get me wrong I would have gladly taken on that challenge had I been given that opportunity...but this evening I seemed to have gotten slapped in the face with "you don't have a child". The holiday cards started coming today, the first two I happened to open were adorable pictures of new babies within the last year. They now hang on our fridge with magnets strategically placed and I am hiding in my office doing schoolwork/blogging. My poor husband, he try's so hard to understand but just does not get why Holiday cards would send me back over the edge.
....seven days and I can put them away
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Moving + Excitement = Stress
I'm afraid this may turn into a "moving process" blog for the next couple months since that is our big focus. We are moving from Texas to Oregon and so excited but terrified at the same time. The hardest part of our move is selling our home, I love our home. I think the scariest thing right now is putting our current house on the market, it's such a difficult time to sell a house but that is what we need to do right now. We had an agent come out yesterday and look at our house she said it will show well but unfortunately that doesn't mean it will sell quickly in today's market. We know going in that it will be a difficult process and we will not make a single dime off of it. My focus is the outcome, we will be back home where our family and closest friends are. They will offer us a wonderful support system when we get back to our family making process. The best part is we will be there just in time for the Holiday's, as I have mentioned before we are huge family people so the Holiday's are big for us.
Please keep your fingers crossed for a quick and easy sell, well as quick and easy as it can be at the time...
Saturday, October 25, 2008
"Juno"
My mom is in town helping us pack up and making sure we see all the sites we need to see before leaving. It's been BUSY, my feet are tuckered out so last night we watched "Juno" again, enjoyed some wine, and let our feet rest. I love that movie, I love the one liners, her parents, and the overall movie about how it deals with everything. I watch it and realize that a lot of it is very fictional but at the same time so true? It terrifies me to watch the adoptive couple as they are clearly not on the same page from the start of the movie. I know there are so many couples out there going through all this and the thought that some aren't as "together" in the process is scary. If you haven't watched the movie I highly suggest checking it out, but go into it as I did the first time with an open mind. If anything the one liners are great ~ especially in the first 10 minutes. I would love to hear your thoughts on the movie as well!!??
Thank you
Thank you
Monday, October 20, 2008
Lots of changes
Well it's been a busy couple of weeks. My husband interviewed for a new position last month and we found out last week that the job is his. This means WE ARE MOVING HOME!!! I have loved my time in Texas but we are both huge family people so it's time to get back to our family. I'm looking forward to Sunday dinners with the family and doing slumber parties with my nieces and nephews. Another big bonus is our new insurance covers a lot more in the infertility world than what we are leaving (which was a big fat ZERO), I'm still not sure on the details of the coverage. Another bonus is they help pay for acupuncture as well and since I'm an acu addict now this will be great. Well this is going to be short but since I'm officially unemployed I imagine I will have more time to expand my blog.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
The big TALK
Well we had it tonight, we planned on waiting a couple weeks but I broke down and it needed to happen. We decided a few months ago that October would be our D-month (discussion). We have hit the two year trying mark. Matt is perfectly happy just "treading water" and I love that quality in him, it helps keep me sane. Unfortunately after two years of "treading" I'm done and need to move on to our next step. We talked long, hard, and got all of our feelings out there on the table.
I am at a roadblock right now, I don't want to do drugs/treatment I don't like taking asprin let alone hormonal changing medications. But I feel that if I don't then I'm giving up and I'm not good at quiting. Matt and I discussed our feelings, he's along for the ride and I'm saying that in the best way, Matt is by my side no matter what. So long story short we are making an appointment with an RE, I want to walk in knowing what we know (my one ovary/tube matched with Matt's sub part SA results) about us and tell them to give it to us straight. What will it take, what are our possible steps knowing there are no guarantees. We will go home with that sit down and decide how much of that we want to do and write out a time line. I know you can't "time line" a baby but I'm a time line person, I need a drop dead date to know where we stop. This is where Matt's feelings are strong, if we get to this point and still no child we will step back completely. Take 3, 6, 12 months however long it takes but we will take time, I will seek counseling to help grieve not having a biological child, we will make sure both of us are in a good healthy state of mind and at that point start pursuing adoption.
It's amazing how this little BIG talk we had truly helps my state of mind and my heart. I'm not giving up on a bilogical child yet but I know in my heart somehow someway we will have our family.
I am at a roadblock right now, I don't want to do drugs/treatment I don't like taking asprin let alone hormonal changing medications. But I feel that if I don't then I'm giving up and I'm not good at quiting. Matt and I discussed our feelings, he's along for the ride and I'm saying that in the best way, Matt is by my side no matter what. So long story short we are making an appointment with an RE, I want to walk in knowing what we know (my one ovary/tube matched with Matt's sub part SA results) about us and tell them to give it to us straight. What will it take, what are our possible steps knowing there are no guarantees. We will go home with that sit down and decide how much of that we want to do and write out a time line. I know you can't "time line" a baby but I'm a time line person, I need a drop dead date to know where we stop. This is where Matt's feelings are strong, if we get to this point and still no child we will step back completely. Take 3, 6, 12 months however long it takes but we will take time, I will seek counseling to help grieve not having a biological child, we will make sure both of us are in a good healthy state of mind and at that point start pursuing adoption.
It's amazing how this little BIG talk we had truly helps my state of mind and my heart. I'm not giving up on a bilogical child yet but I know in my heart somehow someway we will have our family.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Why can't it be easy...
I'm a timeline and list kind of person. I like to know when things are going to happen and how. Don't get me wrong though, I LOVE LOVE LOVE surprises. So I think that is the hardest thing about infertility is that I want to know. I wish there was a test you could take that was simple, maybe a blood test or something. But the results would say; Yes you will get pregnant and this is how OR No you will not carry your own child time to move on. I could take the test and get my answer, if it's no then my husband and I could work our way through that and know that the option for us is to adopt. I know I can hear you now... my mind thinks crazy random things. So then of course once I mentally go through this process and simply decide "okay we will adopt" my mind starts racing again. Maybe my subconsious is trying to tell me something, it's telling me that we were put together and here to adopt a child and bring a wonderful life to a child in need. I guess in a way I'm looking for closure.
October is our "d-month", decision month, when Matt and I will sit down and decide what is next. Funny thing is it all depends on some answers we are waiting for. Matt has some possible job opportunities coming up that could drastically change our "baby making" process. We should find out this week or early next week at the latest. Maybe this is why I am feeling so un-easy, I'm waiting for these answers. Then I will have my timeline. I feel like a crazy person right now.
October is our "d-month", decision month, when Matt and I will sit down and decide what is next. Funny thing is it all depends on some answers we are waiting for. Matt has some possible job opportunities coming up that could drastically change our "baby making" process. We should find out this week or early next week at the latest. Maybe this is why I am feeling so un-easy, I'm waiting for these answers. Then I will have my timeline. I feel like a crazy person right now.
Friday, September 26, 2008
He's here
Baby E = Gavin. My good friends baby arrived last night 11:30 after 26 long hours of labor. I can't wait to see the little guy... I think.
On that note today I have decided to write a short list of all the good reason's I'm not pregnant right now.
1. We are going on a cruise with three other couples in two weeks, the girls like to get together with some wine and talk girl talk since we only see each other about once every three or four months. I will be able to FULLY participate.
2. I sit here right now eating Mellowcreme Pumpkins for lunch, I can do this without worrying about getting enough nutrients to a growing baby.
3. A good friend of mine is getting married in Cozumel in April, not getting pregnant this month pushes back a possible due date by another month moving me out of that window of not being able to go "if" I'm pregnant.
4. I can sit with my darling husband on Saturday and enjoy some of his fabulous homebrew (beer) while watching college football.
... I promise I am not an alcoholic. Felling a little guilty for two of my reasons being alcohol related.
On that note today I have decided to write a short list of all the good reason's I'm not pregnant right now.
1. We are going on a cruise with three other couples in two weeks, the girls like to get together with some wine and talk girl talk since we only see each other about once every three or four months. I will be able to FULLY participate.
2. I sit here right now eating Mellowcreme Pumpkins for lunch, I can do this without worrying about getting enough nutrients to a growing baby.
3. A good friend of mine is getting married in Cozumel in April, not getting pregnant this month pushes back a possible due date by another month moving me out of that window of not being able to go "if" I'm pregnant.
4. I can sit with my darling husband on Saturday and enjoy some of his fabulous homebrew (beer) while watching college football.
... I promise I am not an alcoholic. Felling a little guilty for two of my reasons being alcohol related.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Forgive me...
I am incredibly slow at this, look at that it's been a month since I have written. Here I find myself posting when I'm low and feeling down. I need to start coming here and posting when I feel good, I promise I have good days I'm a fun person and I want people around here to see that side of me as well. So here is my pledge to get better at this blogging stuff and post when things are good, not just when they are bad.
Things have been tough this week, one of my dearest friends went into labor last night. Starting last Thursday it hit me that her due date was here and the baby was bound to arrive at any point. It hit me hard and I cried hard, I am soooooo overly excited for my friend but it reminds me of what I don't have and what I long to have. It hit even harder the night before last as my period started, yet again. The 24th period in our two year battle.
I know someday somehow we will have our child and we will offer that child more love and support than any child ever. Lol I know we all say that and you know what it's the truth. There are some ABSOLUTELY LOVED CHILDREN out there and some flickers in our eyes just waiting for their turn. My mom, who is a great suport system, actually told me that now she has an excuse to spoil her grandchild rotten. I can't blame her, any grandma that has to wait this long for their only grandchild has every right to spoil them rotten.
Just so you know, I'm ending this post with a smile on my face and some hope in my heart.
Things have been tough this week, one of my dearest friends went into labor last night. Starting last Thursday it hit me that her due date was here and the baby was bound to arrive at any point. It hit me hard and I cried hard, I am soooooo overly excited for my friend but it reminds me of what I don't have and what I long to have. It hit even harder the night before last as my period started, yet again. The 24th period in our two year battle.
I know someday somehow we will have our child and we will offer that child more love and support than any child ever. Lol I know we all say that and you know what it's the truth. There are some ABSOLUTELY LOVED CHILDREN out there and some flickers in our eyes just waiting for their turn. My mom, who is a great suport system, actually told me that now she has an excuse to spoil her grandchild rotten. I can't blame her, any grandma that has to wait this long for their only grandchild has every right to spoil them rotten.
Just so you know, I'm ending this post with a smile on my face and some hope in my heart.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
How?
Hello.... how do you start these blog things anyway?
Well here we are, another infertile morning in the peardream house. As anyone reading this that's dealt with infertility knows, there are good days and bad days. Unfortunately I have had too many bad days lately, my head and heart are in a dark place as the realization of conceiving a baby the good old fashion way is wearing down the person I am. I'm not usually a dark person so this is hard to deal with. I'm usually a happy go lucky go with the flow type of person, I can't go with this flow though.
Not only does a couple battle with the fact at hand, infertility, but they battle with who to tell and how open to be. The day we opened up to a few friends and family was great and lifted a big weight off my shoulders but I can't seem to go back to those same people and open up about how I'm feeling now. It's a roadblock that I don't know how to break and that weight is back. How do you do that?
Well here we are, another infertile morning in the peardream house. As anyone reading this that's dealt with infertility knows, there are good days and bad days. Unfortunately I have had too many bad days lately, my head and heart are in a dark place as the realization of conceiving a baby the good old fashion way is wearing down the person I am. I'm not usually a dark person so this is hard to deal with. I'm usually a happy go lucky go with the flow type of person, I can't go with this flow though.
Not only does a couple battle with the fact at hand, infertility, but they battle with who to tell and how open to be. The day we opened up to a few friends and family was great and lifted a big weight off my shoulders but I can't seem to go back to those same people and open up about how I'm feeling now. It's a roadblock that I don't know how to break and that weight is back. How do you do that?
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