WTF Appointment

we had our what the f@ck appointment Friday. First of all I want to say how much I love my doctor and the whole office, I have had nothing but good experience with them and have never felt like a number. So...going over our records he couldn't find anything that went "wrong", it just didn't work. Which I'm ok with, hell I'm happy with. Honestly I would rather have it not work just because percentage wise it didn't rather than have something more horribly wrong with me. He confirmed that we had an absolute perfect cycle, with out it working. We have three perfect frozen embies waiting for us, Dr L stressed that taking time to heal from this is key and was happy to hear we wanted to wait until next year. So that is that, we are puting this "hell" to bed for about six months and are going to enjoy life. We will re-focus on this baby making stuff in six months or so.

HAHAA like I could just close the door like that. Honestly it's going to take time to turn off that TTC switch, hell my period starts in one week and I'm already concentrating on phantom symptoms. Uhm it would take more than what we have done to get pregnant this month. WOW HOW DO I TURN THIS BUTTON OFF? Anyone? Anyone??

I wish I could say I will be consistant (because I have been soo consistant) with my posting over the next six months but I can't guarantee it. I will try my hardest but I can't promise you anything...unless you don't mind me discussing mindless non baby making things.

Not giving up

It's amazing what a kick ass workout, a good conversation with my fabulous husband, and a great nights sleep will do for a couple of broken hearts.

I'm not ready to give up, my heart just isn't ready. Going into our IVF we said that if it came up negative we would call this the end of our journey and move on with our life. Once we made that decision I felt so much relief knowing there was an end in site. What we didn't plan on was the fact we would have three beautiful (1 "good" 2 "excellent" quality) embies make it to freeze. We have been grieving as though we are done but honestly knowing we have three frozen is constantly in the back of our minds. Matt has been such a rock and is so helpful in talking me through all of this, expressing his thoughts concerns and giving me time to express mine. Last night while I was in the darkest of dark places we had a great conversation and got all this on the table. I wanted to dive right back in and do an FET while I'm still numb he wants us to wait so we can both get over this hurdle before leaping the next one. We went to bed happy and content that we laid it out there, I woke up this morning seeing his point of view on waiting. SO...I'm thinking this fall/winter we'll try for our FET. This will give us the summer to buy a house, have fun, relax, get in shape, and enjoy some cold beers.

I made our follow up appointment this morning so we can sit down with our doctor and see what he has to say and what he suggests. I know just because I feel great this morning the dark times/days won't come back but I'm going to take advantage of this good feeling and get some stuff done.

How...

How do I move on??!! That is the biggest battle going on in my head right now. I have been fighting the infertility battle for close to three years now and I need help turning this switch off. But the thing is...I don't want to. I'm not ready to give up this fight, my heart isn't ready to give in. Remember when I said so many months ago that I felt relief knowing there was a light at the end of the tunnel well now we are there and the light is darker than I wanted.

I have never been in this dark of a place and I try so hard each day to claw my way out. I have lost my faith in god, I'm bitter towards friends and people I don't even know, I am so angry I want to go on the back porch and just scream the loudest scream I have, I want to climb under the covers and never come out. This is not me and I don't know that I will ever get all the way back to me again.

My husband is a rock and the best man in the world, I am thankful every day for him. This last week has only proven what a wonderful "big hearted" man my husband is. He wants more than anything to play the man and just fix this but he knows he can't, I think that hurts him most. What I can't find a way to express to him is how grateful I am for his little hugs, glances in my direction, and simple "how are you"'s that get me through each and every day. I hate that I/we have to go through this crap but I wouldn't want to walk this path with anyone else.

Negative

I'm at a loss for words, we are at the end of our journey.

A week in a blur

This week has been a blur, for a process that has seemed to just drag this last week was nothing like it. Monday I had my egg retrieval, it went smoothly and the staff at my RE's office is wonderful. They were able to retrieve 12 and everyone was happy with that number. Remember I only have one ovary. The remainder of the day I slept...and slept....and slept. I had the normal amount of bloat and pain but thankfully never crossed into OHSS territory. By this morning I felt like me again.

Today was a surreal day, it was transfer day. I arrived with my full bladder and ready to go. They gave us the details on our embies and they are ROCK STARS!! All scoring at the top of the level, we were so pleased as was the whole office. After much discussion about trasferring two or three back we decided on doing the two top rock stars. So "Louie & Stella" are snuggling in tight. I will wait for a long two weeks and on June 30th we'll have our blood test.

Triggered

I'm triggered and we are doing our retrieval tomorrow! I'm full of so many emotions right now; excitement, optimism, fear, and doubt. It's crazy how all those can get wrapped up into one head at one time. The good thing however is I'm not feeling stressed, I have done my best to remain stress free through this whole thing. My husband, family, and close friends are such a great support system they always know what to say and when to say it.

I never considered myself a strong person, not necessarily a weak person but just a go with the flow happy kind of person. I have a few friends that are super outgoing and go get what they want without second thought, I have always been jealous of them and their "strong" character. Well I sort of had a selfish epiphany this week, I am so much stronger and braver than those friends just in a different way. Yes that's horrible to say and completely selfish but this is my time to be selfish. I am going to look at my baby(s) and always remember the time mommy was brave. I'm forever a changed person and as much as I hate this infertility journey I am thankful for the strength it has given me, my husband and our relationship.

Your boobs are getting bigger...

was my husbands darling comment Sunday. I just laughed him off and figured it was the couple of beers he had talking rather than factual. Well yesterday I was reading the side effects of Menopur and what do you know "enlarged breasts" was one of them. I should fill you in, I am super self consious of my 38D chest and have always told Matt that as soon as we have a child I'm getting a breast reduction. So he knew this comment would send me into a tail spin of constantly worrying that they are growing before I'm even pregnant.

Oh and another side effect I'm noticing is my irrational mind is kicking into over drive. I have the most insane thoughts and I keep telling myself to step back and look at the big picture. I think trying to remain stress free is stressing me out more. Are we done yet?

Week 2

All is still going smoothly, I had my first ultra sound and blood test on Monday and was suppressed. Woohoo. It's amazing but each little step is almost like a milestone in this process. So with that I added another med, Follistim, twice a day. The follistim is to stimulate growth. So I'm up to three shots a day, let me just say I feel like a human pin cushion now and it's only the beginning. I go in again tomorrow for another ultra sound and blood test, if all is going well I'll go off follistim and onto menopur. I started feeling twinges in my ovary yesterday so it feels as though things are working and moving along as they should. Fingers crossed tomorrow goes well.

I did have my first experience with a Lupron Headache the other night, WOW I feel for anyone who gets those daily. All day it was just a nagging headache so I didn't take anything, that night it got a bit worse so I just figured I would go to bed early and sleep it off like I do any other headache. OH NO was that ever a bad idea. I woke up about 2am in excruciating pain, the worst headache I have ever felt. I finally took something which of course took about 45 minutes to kick in. I now know that when I fell the twing of a headache to take something right away. Oh and I have now had two hot flashes from the Lupron as well, those are an experience let me tell you. But in all honestly if this works all these side effects will be so worth it.

1 Week In

Tomorrow will mark one week of Lupron shots, I feel blessed to say so far there are no side affects (knock on wood). I do get a little cranky about two hours after the shot, Matt has quickly learned once we get to that window to just lay low. LOL poor man. It usually only lasts a little bit then I'm back to my usual self. I heard horror stories about Lupron headaches but so far they haven't hit me. I was nervous at giving myself the shot before we got started but it's been a piece of cake, I only flinched once but the second time around it went smoothly. So far there is no bruising or pain, WOOHOOO. I'm glad to say things are quiet, stress free, and moving along nicely. Hoping the rest of the cycle goes the same way but we are ready for any bump in the road that may come along.

One week and counting

I start Lupron in one week. The meds came today and I think it finally clicked for Matt how intensive this is. I made him sit down with me to make sure everything was there, I knew it was going to be a lot but I don't think it really sunk in for me until now either. I have a short list to call my coordinator with tomorrow, like an injection class and why oh why is there an enema? LOL

All systems are a go...

This is going to test my patience....

This whole IVF thing will test the very being of my patience, which if you ask my husband he will gladly tell you it's not much. He said the cutest remark the other day that has stuck with me "if you don't have patience for this how are you going to have patience for a child" That little comment completely opened my eyes because he is right but I know in my heart that lack of patience will go right out the door if and when our little bundle(s) are home safe and sound. I think this lack of patience right now is my anxiousness to get this thing started. I started spotting yesterday, five days early. Every once in a while I get early spotting that lasts forever and this time it's like it's taunting me "I know you want CD1 so you can start meds...haahaahaa I'm going to make you wait".

Our One Shot

That's what we get, one shot at IVF to make our family of two into a family of three. Matt and I have done a lot of talking since our first RE appointment when they told us IVF is our best shot and decided we would do what we can as long as it was covered. We called our insurance to confirm coverage, we are 90% covered up to a $10k max so as most of you know that gives us one chance. I'm happy with this coverage as it is way more than a lot of people have. So we are diving in head first in May and seeing what this one shot gives us. I remember when we first realized we were having troubles I wanted so badly for there to be a test with two boxes one that said yes you will have kids and this is how you will achieve it and one that said no you won't have kids. I kind of see IVF as that test and we will shortly know the answer. To be honest I really feel at peace with this, I haven't felt this at ease and content in a long time and it's a great feeling. We are going into this with an optimistic mind for either outcome, well at least as much as we can. I have started two lists; one has baby names and nursery ideas on it and the other has the things we will/can do if it doesn't work like a trip to a nice quiet island, a personal trainer to get in knock out shape, and sell my paid off sensible family car for something fun (69 vw bug or a sports car). Matt and I have such a wonderful relationship and I feel so lucky to have this wonderful man in my life, we both want so badly to have a child and a little family but we also are secure in the fact that our life can be full and complete without it as well.

This is an exciting time in our life and in just a few short months we will close the door to infertility and open a new door...will it be door A or door B??????

I love my husband....

I don't think I mention this enough, I know I tell him every day several times a day but I don't think I tell other people enough. My husband is the best partner a girl could ask for, he is my tall dark haired prince that I always dreamed of. This man is smart, funny, witty, has an awesome family, a heart of gold, and never ceases to amaze me. Seldom is there a positive in the battle of infertility but the one or two that happen to come from this horrible adventure is the fact that I know our relationship is stronger because of it. Not that I think the wonderful relationship my friends have with their husbands is any less I just feel as though we have that one little extra tight bond and am grateful for that. I love that we can walk this road as a team and bounce ideas off eachother and know that the end result will be because WE chose it. For whatever reason this is our path and while it hurts and it's hard I don't think I would change it.

I love my funny man.....

And the story begins....again

At least that's kind of how I feel, I feel like we are starting all over and this is the begining. I just hope at the end of this journey there is a little one to some day share this story with.

This day has been a roller coaster of sorts. This morning before our first RE appointment I was nervous, more nervous than I get going for a job interview. I actually felt the same way I felt two and a half years ago when I stopped taking the pill....the oh my gosh are we really doing this what if it works what if we have a baby. Such a strange fear now considering we have been fighting for this for so long now.

As you know Matt and I had our first RE appointment today, it went well and I LOVE our doctor he was compassionate, knowledgeable, and very helpful, a perfect fit for us. I'm overwhelmed but hopeful. Matt and I will spend the better part of this weekend talking and deciding if to move on and if we do how quickly we will move along with this.

Basically with our age (we aren't old but we aren't young anymore), my "extreme endo", one ovary/tube, and Matt's low motility our doctor wants us to move directly to (IVF) with ICSI. I have to say honestly I wasn't prepared for that but he explained with our situation doing IUI using clomid we have a 5-6% chance, with IUI and injectibles a 15-16% chance and with IVF it's a 50%. IVF isn't easy, cheap, or a guarantee but apparently this is our chance at a family.

This whole 2 1/2 year process has been extremely draining not only on my emotional well being but on us as a couple. Our goal is to do what we can but come 2010 wherever we stand we will close this door in our life.

I really think I'm just in shock right now and like I said overwhelmed....I need a glass of wine and time to sit and absorb. Thanks for listening.

1 day and counting

Tomorrow is our big First RE visit!! I'm actually excited about it, don't get me wrong I hate that we are in this situation but I'm done dragging my feat and ready to start running for that finish line. With this I also think my blogging will become a little more regular because I'll finally have more updates than the typical "AF came didn't work this month" crap. DH and I had a good little discussion and we will tell that Dr. that we want to be proactive and aggressive because at the end of this year we are done, let's just hope that a done because we are pregnant kind of done.

Appointment Change

Well you gotta love the times we are in.....our first RE appointment was set for next week. We found out that the day is the same day my husband finds out if he will be laid off or not. So....we changed the date to way later in the month. How funny that I was resistant to setting the first appointment but now I don't want to wait until late March. I want to get this show on the road!!!! Oh well.....

Oh and on another note...I WILL NOT BE CELEBRATING MY 31st BIRTHDAY THIS YEAR...

RE appointment is set

We have a date with the RE on March 2nd. That call was so hard to make and I'm really not sure why. I finally made it and now I feel so much better like we are finally crossing that next step. Now I'm not saying I'm completely sold on treatment (for us) yet but we are going to see what the Dr. suggests for us, ask all of our millions of questions, then go home and figure out what our future will hold for us.

I have noticed in my past posts I have mentioned how I am not into treatment and now that I re-read it I'm afraid I am portraying it in a bad tone. I am totally for treatment, I have nothing against it and those that pursue it. If I could do treatment without having to do "drugs" then I wouldn't second guess it at any point. I'm not a medicine kind of person, my dear husband has to twist my arm to take an aspirin for a headache. When I get a cold I refuse to take anything, when we thought my cyst was bursting and went to the ER I begged my husband to take me home because I didn't want the drugs for the pain, when I had surgery my husband practically had to force the pain pills down my throat. I don't like the way I feel on meds, any kind small or big I hate it. So....that fear of drugs is what is holding us back on the treatment.

So there you have it.....

Matt is holding firm on not going the adoption route, I admit this breaks my heart but we are a team and we have to do what we BOTH feel comfortable with. This leaves us with treatment, which we all know I'm afraid of but not against so I have had a little talk with my body and told it that it has one last month to do this right or we go to an RE. LOL, if only it were that easy. I'm excited to sit down with an RE and see what kind of route they suggest. We are taking it day by day and one step at a time.

Life goes on.....

I'm certainly in a better frame of mind today than I was just a few short days ago, it's ugly what hormones can do to you. Monday night Matt and I had a real good discussion, we had some how gotten off the same trail but found our way back. He thought our break was going to be longer, I thought we were done and ready to go. Needless to say we compromised with about three more months of "break time". We have continued our discussion all week, please tell me if this is normal but do you ever have those moments where you think to yourself "I can live life without a child"? We keep asking each other that and hesitantly thinking "yes, maybe". That part scares us, which also tells me deep down inside neither of us could.

Tuesday I hit the bookstore, we are on a three month break so it's time for us to do some more reading and research. I looked at three sections; infertility treatments, adoption, and childfree life. I bought two...bet you can't guess which two...infertility treatment and adoption. I read the fertility treatment book in about a day and started the adoption book this morning. My mind has been so confused and in a million places about all this but I think I may have found my answer, those of you who have been down this road please tell me. Is this that "ahhhaa" moment? The fertility treatment book gave me clarity on the treatments but scared the crap out of me, I found myself going "I can't do that" and "OMG what?!!". The adoption book is giving me clarity and I find myself going "that's it, that's what I want" while the journey is still as treacherous it does not scare me.

Matt has committed to reading both books as well so I'm anxious to see how he feels after reading them.

Roller Coaster.....going down

How can one person go from being so optimistic to completely crushed and depressed within 12 days....this can't be healthy. I want that optimism back I had in my last post. I had a glimpse of hope this weekend that I may actually be pregnant, why the hell after two years it would actually happen now without any help who knows but I let myself hope. I know we all go through that monthly but this one was the closest I have ever felt, man I'm a crazy person. I'm putting hope down as a four letter bad word right in there with the other high scale bad words. When I hear stories of people doing bad I always say karma will catch up with them, well this morning on my drive in to work I began wondering is this karma getting back at me? If so what so horribly awful did I do? I'm not saying I'm an absolute angel and have never wronged anyone but I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I see some retail therapy coming during lunch today....

I did finish reading Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein last night, I need to collect my thoughts but I'll post a review of the book shortly.

2009....

THIS IS OUR YEAR.....I'm determined to go into and leave this year with a positive mind set. I told Matt that this is our year....this year holds many possibilities....a child....an adoption plan....or our hearts content with being "favorite auntie Kelli and uncle Matt" to all the great children that already bless our lives on a daily basis. No matter what I am determined to walk out of this year with a closed door on the child part of our life, I want and need to move on from this. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh...

I'm so grateful for where we are in life, we really have a fabulous life regardless of what our family consists of. As Matt reminded me the last time I was in tears over our lack of children; "We have a family with two wonderful kids, they happen to be furry and have four legs but they are great". Gus and Winston great me morning and night with happy tails and slippery slobber, I love that. We have a wonderful relationship, great friends, a fabulous family and our new found home in the Pacific Northwest, I am grateful daily for all that we have in our life.

Happy New Year.....May this year bring all your wishes and dreams into a new clarity.